You got to write your own story
I believe there are three stages to one’s life. Learn. Earn. Return. I’m in the last one third while sliding into the back nine of my life.
Some mornings when no one is home, the pull of the past seems a little more palpable, like a moment of déjà vu played backwards, instantly familiar, and makes me nostalgic for a past that I hadn't quite let go yet. Other days, that same past seems like a different life, one lived by a different person.
It has been a year since I hung up my corporate cleats on August 31, 2023. I have been working ever since I arrived in Canada at the age of eighteen, thirty-five years ago.
I brought a lot of self-loathing to the table when I was young. I was an angry kid. Had I not become a mailroom boy at the age of nineteen, I would have spiraled into a world of despair, darkness and destruction. I wouldn’t have made it out of my twenties or the bad predicament I was in at the time, for sure.
It was the first time I had a reason to respect myself. It was the first time I had direction in my life. It was the first time I found myself in the presence of people I respected and whose ‘favorable’ opinion of me I yearned for. Many decades later, I’m still not a reliable narrator of my own life.
The prolific writer and novelist Ernest Hemingway once lamented that “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” This was exactly what I did when I sat down to write my memoir during the height of COVID in April 2021.
I was fifty-three years old when my #1 bestselling memoir Prisoner #1056 was published—and if there was ever a lucky break or better timing, I don’t know about it. All I can say for certain at this midlife point is that I’m certain of nothing. But I refuse to scare people with messages that imply their best years are behind them. I am here to tell people that aging is a wonderful privilege.
However, at this middle age, my enthusiasm for fast-paced corporate life was declining, as all professionals must feel, after being on the road for a long-time raising capital and making investor pitches. I was not getting any shrewder—or smarter—as an investment industry executive. Don't stop when you're tired, stop when you're done. I was basically done—or on my way to being done. My brain knew it. My heart knew it. But pride persisted.
As an executive who oversaw a large team, I never had an issue with anyone quitting and leaving. But I had a huge issue with anyone quitting and staying. Here I was at that same crossroads personally and wanted to be honest with myself as kaleidoscope of emotions hit me hard. I couldn’t lie to myself. In life, there are no solutions. There are only trade-offs. My trade-off was to make a dignified exit and uplift a new breed of young and energetic leaders to take the business to the next level.
What do I enjoy about retirement?
Engaging in activities that hold substantial importance for the future generation of Tamil business leaders by volunteering my time.
Meaning!
So far in my life experience, I have personally witnessed how circumstances can change abruptly and upend life. Disturbingly terrible and malevolent events befall good individuals. Time and again, I have observed people being relentlessly crushed by the wheel of poverty or oppression. Conversely, I have also witnessed spontaneous acts of kindness and expressions of empathy emerging in the most extraordinary and unforeseen situations. I’m a beneficiary of that kind of human kindness, from a teenage prisoner in Sri Lanka to a mailroom boy on Bay Street. A flickering spark of humanity in a world that had gone dark for a terrified boy.
I believe there are three stages to one’s life. Learn. Earn. Return. I’m in the last one third while sliding into the back nine of my life.
Each stage gave me the experience and knowledge that has brought me here. In hindsight, the dots always connect. I frequently look back at my life, searching for that fork in the road, trying to figure out where, exactly, I went right and became focused and not blamed others for my bad decisions and behaviours. It happened when I was in my mid-twenties when someone I respected and looked up to told me how disappointed he was in me. It broke my heart! So, I had to change. To improve is to change. But that change was in no way easy or smooth. It took a few tries. When you do what’s hard, life gets easier. I certainly learned that.
Those who say money doesn’t buy happiness don’t know where to shop. Kidding aside, we all have the same basic desires for safety, shelter, and sustenance. And deepest of all, according to Holocaust survivor, Viktor Frankl, “The greatest human need is meaning.” I dared to think of the fact that he and I had both spent time in prison. And though it would be sheer vanity to compare my path in life to his, I do acknowledge the same sentiment.
In that vein, the dot-com bubble of 2000 taught me a great lesson about meaning in life. It felt unreal as I saw everything evaporate, and I became bankrupt at the age of thirty. Prior to that, my money obsession created an emotional indifference in me, replacing love and gratitude for people. It changed me. My money was a manifestation of power, and that power I felt was a manifestation of my fear, the fear of failure. So, was I free of fear without money? At some deep level, despite losing it all, it felt liberating. It was a very strange feeling. Not that I disliked money after losing it, but I disliked the person I became in the presence of it.
Against this backdrop, the current ‘return’ stage of my life has more meaning for me. Meaning is a better motivator than money. Money, while necessary, motivates neither the best people nor the best in people. Meaning does. I have found that in retirement.
Meaning.
So, what do I miss?
Allow me to reminisce.
I will always miss my entire team, the camaraderie, and the hustle. In the boundless gallery of memories of my life, this unique stage is forever etched in my brain. That is irreplaceable. Nothing comes close to that. That’s the kind of satisfaction no bestseller can ever beat—no television interviews, no questions, no nothing. That single moment after a long and very busy week, sitting down at the bar with my colleagues, taking the edge off, taking a deep breath, with unspoken congratulations all around—and then that first sip of smooth, smooth Napa vintage. It tastes like victory. Happy people conversing, wait staff flush with tips, the team looking pleased with me and with each other, and you remind yourself this is the career we chose. And what a career it has been.
Then it’s Bruce Hornby & The Range, ‘The Way It Is,’ which comes on the sound system—requested by a patron imbibing generously at the bar—or something punchier, to embrace the collective will, required a song: ‘Learning to Fly’ by Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers. Songs from my time on the road in the beautiful backcountry roads of British Columbia, on the hunt for dollars—the songs that will always mean something to a road warrior, but maybe you had to be there.
We look at each other with intense camaraderie amid cheerful banter and background music with the team who have worked hard together and think, ‘We did well today. We will go home proud.’
There are nods of agreement and smiles. Maybe even a sign of relief.
Once again. We survived. Billions were raised. We did well. It will be missed. Forever.
What’s my parting advice?
First, a much-needed disclaimer.
Look, I don’t want to pretend I am a saint. I am not above being seduced by my own opinions. I’m biased at times or perfectly objective, which leads me to misadventure. I’m aware of my own flaws and prejudices. One of my humbling moments in life is being reminded of my own blind spots. So, often I go to war with the person in the mirror, not society. Fix yourself first before trying to fix the world. It is the key to how one fares in life! So, with that in mind, here it goes.
So far, life ended up teaching me in a most painful way, that not only is life unfair—which I already knew—but that it could never be fair. But life will give you what you fight for, once and for all, if only you know what you are capable of. Always refuse to allow your circumstances to define you and your dignity. If you are capable of becoming this person, life will give you what you fight for.
Everyone and everything you cared about will be gone one day. No one leaves here alive. Let go of what others think of you or what you think of them, it’s not worth your time and energy. Prioritize your family and personal well-being, as everything else is simply a futile use of your time.
And peace is not a human norm or right. Many like me came to the western world because we never had peace where we were from. Personally, for the most part, I prefer to ignore the noise and stop whining and acting like a victim and get on with my life that I would never have had where I’m from—a squalid authoritarian backwater with no opportunity for advancement!
Interact with those who will evolve your beliefs, not to self-validate them.
Don’t ever follow your passion. Find what you are good at and then make that your passion with grit, sacrifice and perseverance.
Spend time with someone whom you have a common future instead of a common past. Ignore skin colour or culture!
Refrain from making comparisons with others, as this can lead to feelings of both inferiority and superiority. Neither of these emotions makes an emotionally healthy person!
No one is going to solve your problems. Solving your problems is 100% your responsibility.
Build a non-negotiable standard for yourself, otherwise you’ll fall back to your lowest automatic behaviours.
Don’t focus on outperforming ‘all the time’—focus on outperforming over time.
When you get to the ‘return’ stage of your life, all you can give back to society is money, time and/ or wisdom. In one’s youth, such things are quite rare.
Nobody cares. Work harder. There is dignity in hard work. Outwork everyone and everything. All the time!
Be silly. Be good. Be weird. But stay laser focused!
Get the basic stuff right like showing up on time. Look the part. Act the part.
These three factors can enhance your chances of achieving success:
DIFFERENTIATE: Most human interactions are not memorable. Set yourself apart from the crowd by embracing your uniqueness positively. Avoid conforming to a group mentality. While animals blend in for survival, humans need to stand out to be noticed.
COMMUNICATE: Master the art of effective communication. Communication is akin to the fundamental laws of physics; it is applicable in every aspect of life. Understand what to say and how to say it. Because telling is not selling.
APPRECIATE: Success is not attained in isolation. Never forget those who supported you when you were nobody. Only focus on the opinions of those individuals who genuinely care about your growth and well-being. I never met a happy, unappreciative person!
And one more IMPORTANT thing: Refrain from adopting a victim mentality. Because victimhood is the primary currency of narcissists with very little to offer society. You can’t complain your way to the top. Circumstances make you a victim, but your choices make you remain as one. All you can control in life is how you respond to life. The path to finding happiness starts and ends within your own mind.
I learned that the greatest weight of the human heart is the regret of unrealized potential caused by personal choices. It is an ache in your bone that won’t ever stop. I don’t bemoan the way things were, because it won’t be ‘exactly’ the same way ever again. So, I will carry on because failure to enjoy is one of life’s greatest sins!
Finally, the freedom I now have is when I don’t care about anyone's opinion. That indifference is power!
No white light at the end of a tunnel, just a new bright sunrise every day. I will be ready for my next venture.
New morning. Not mourning.
Read blog post here: https://tamilculture.com/index.php/you-got-to-write-your-own-story
